Who's the Creepiest of Them All? A What? Not! Quiz

by Julie Robinson

  Even though it’s summer AND it’s hot out AND school has let out for the year AND if you’re reading this you probably graduated years ago—I have a quiz for you.  What can I say?  I taught English for years and old habits die hard.

Below I’ve cut and pasted four different responses I’ve received in response to my online dating profile.  In order for you to best surmise the creepiest response of them all, you need a little background information:  I go on and off of Plenty of Fish pretty regularly, meet some really great guys, and also end up in contact with some total losers.  In order to email me you must be between the ages of 40-50, include a picture, and write a minimum of 50 words. 

My profile header is “Solar Powered” and reads like this:

Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I am--literally.  I've won four vacations including a Mediterranean cruise, ten days in the South of France, a weekend in San Francisco, and a quick jaunt to Omaha (yep, Omaha).  If there's a raffle, I pretty much expect to go home with something.  Those are obvious examples, but I'm also lucky because even if money was no object, I would still be doing what I do every day.  I look forward to being creative and productive regularly—writing, teaching, painting, sanding, or all of the other millions of things that small business owners do.  I love using my brain.  I nap.

While it's true that I spend some evenings coated in a few layers of paint and dust, in many ways I’m a girlie-girl. This side of me likes my man to hold me tight when it’s cold out and whistle playfully at me in my little black dress.  My other side owns power tools.  I love to spruce up homes, get dirty, and sweat.

I'm interested in getting to know the kind of guy who doesn't mind kissing after spending hours in the garden, can cook a meal using more than three ingredients, and enjoys life—boldly.  I would like to build a relationship with a man who feels comfortable laying down roots and refuses to clip my wings.

Here are a few random things about me:

I'm left handed but I play baseball right handed
I have a girl crush on Jennifer Lopez
I'd like to visit Buenos Aires
I've lived in 8 states
I named my dog after a beautiful region of Sonoma

I’d be interested in hearing from you if you believe, as I do, that there is someone out there just itching to make each of us even happier. 

Good luck in your search.

(A bit long winded, I know—but not as bad as some of what’s out there.)  So, here’s the quiz—I included the day and time they were sent and didn’t change a thing.  Pick the creepiest email:

A)    6/7/2012 2:33:29 AM "psycho princess" oh so you don't accept "short messages"? "psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess""psycho princess"

               B) (Option “B” sent two separate emails) 6/26/2012 10:07:04 PM

wow what a nice profile my name is tony and hope that we can chat some i want to wish you a very sweet and special evening take care and god bless

7/3/2012 9:01:17 AM

good morning sunshine my name is tony i would like to chat and get to know some more about you i want to wish you a very sweet and beautiful day take care and god bless

C)   7/3/2012 8:52:05 AM

: ) hi there im jc Co kid.. Very Sweet pix! if Ud like to talk plz tell me Ur name...
have a good day pretty lady : )i luv to play tennis! r u from Co? what kinda buiz u
have? if nuthn else i can keep ur stalkerz away & be a good friend!

D)  7/3/2012 12:59:15 AM

Hi Julie!
i enjoyed you profile wanted to say hello! I don't know what's up with the "and a quick jaunt to Omaha (yep, Omaha)" ? that is out of no where and what
does it mean Oh I thought you meant Obama...!!! Oh!! Omaha...? I have never been to Omaha what is Omaha? and is it in the US...?? I know where it is I
am just full of jokes.. dry humor and loads of wit so you have to be a fake blonde to keep up...
I am playing again really O K um well I took the highlight words from your profile and I get...

it's true I love to spend some evenings when it’s cold out trying new things in my little black dress and high heels it's obvious I am--literally coated in a
few layers of paint and dust using my brain playfully to pretty much spruce up new things preferably on me not you While I pretty much expect to go
home and a quick jaunt with My millions of power tools My other side likes my man to hold me regularly trying new things being creative and productive
whistle, get dirty, and sweat.

I cannot believe I look forward to ten days painting, sanding I am--literally lucky not you I look forward to being lucky Sometimes I cannot believe how
lucky I am in many ways I would love a quick nap

Maybe you could just say this or that is what i heard LOL!!!

*   *   *  

Maybe if I was a fiction writer--I could make this shit up.  As it stands now, I’m still on POF but seriously considering taking myself off.  Between the lack of mojo and these stupid, fucking emails—it just bums me out to be dating STILL.

If only the nice guys . . . the guys I reach out to . . . the ones I’m attracted to . . . would stick.  I occasionally meet them, get to know them a bit, and even date a few for a couple of weeks.  Unfortunately I have no Velcro.  For these men (anyway) I’m not a green light girl.  I wish I knew the secret for turning that light on.