Upfront and personal tales, advice and whatnot for the midlife dating junkies among us
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Torn Apart--Avoiding the Mistress Trap: Part II
by Julie Robinson
The truth had to be spoken.Your reply is heard loudly and totally. . . .
THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED BY THE AUTHOR AT THE REQUEST OF "CLINT."
5 comments:
Anonymous
said...
You should be ashamed. Do you realize how close you came to fucking everything up? Cutting yourself open for an hour of fucking around? Were you even thinking about the fact that his current wife, when she found out, would become another innocent victim of having her heart ripped out, because of you having to fuck HER husband? You went from being strong against him, to dangling yourself like bait. And the only reason it didn't happen between you is because he's got a shred of human decency and appreciation for the life he's built. I hope that's a lesson in strength to you. I never thought I'd say this to a woman, but stop thinking with your clit, because a lot of pain is at stake...
How would Julie of fucked anything up? Yes, she would of ended up heartbroken, but that can happen with anyone. She didn't promise anyone anything. One night can be one night, if that what two adults want. As for the wife, things can't be all that great if he's seeking someone else out. There are always signs, the wife always knows. If she chooses to bury her head in the sand, how is Julie doing anything wrong? If someone wants to have sex with people, as opposed to a person, don't get married. Besides, if Julie was thinking with her clit, she would of sought him out. Why is the unmarried person always at fault? Stay strong Julie, sometimes one night can change it all.
I think one of the most difficult situations writers of this genre find themselves in when they open themselves up for discussions like the one above. I put myself in this situation, and I hope people find the exchange helpful. Of course, I feel a little bit misunderstood, so I hope this explanation adds to the dialogue.
The reason I shared this story between "Clint" and me is because I thought it was obvious that my actions made an affair with him impossible. I thought it was a good example of a lesson learned where women can better understand how to avoid the mistress trap.
My honesty about what the affair would entail was only a piece of it. Another very important part is where I don't allow the discussion to drag on--I tell him we need to move forward. I don't want to talk about it. In other words, I called his bluff. He has to do the deed or move on, and I know how he will respond.
There is no doubt in my mind that "Clint" wants the idea of an affair with me, he wants to be told I would have sex with him again, he needs his ego stroked. He never had any intention of going through with it.
Of course, there are men in the world who want the act--I suspect, however, that most of them are like "Clint." They feel a little trapped, they wonder about the "what ifs," and they want to test the waters to see if they still have what it takes. It's an issue of self-esteem and curiosity more than infidelity.
I'm sorry if I came off as harsh. I've read you work and am quite hooked. For this particular piece above, I forgot for a moment what it means to you to be able to pour yourself out to others. I truly didn't mean to offend or villify you, and I apologize.
My life is fulfilled though my passions. One of which is monogamy. I live to seek that one person whom I can "conquer the world" with. Someone who will share things with me and only me, and who will hold sex and intimacy and passion for a life with eachother as sacred as I do. I am a victim of an affair. If I had a choice between feeling what I felt when I caught her and taking bullets to the chest... I would have chosen the gun. Why me? What had I done to deserve such excrutiating pain?!?! I took pride in making her happy, and we were so happy (the sex was electrifying!). Then one day, she started pulling away from me, she wouldn't want sex, or to talk about her day, or go out with me on fun outings. Then I caught her talking to him in another room, about one of their recent sexcapades. I've never felt more worthless, unloved, lied to, inadequate...Everything I knew about how she felt about me was a lie. The worst was she had no explaination why. All I've learn is that a persons words aren't enough to trust.
The reason I'm babbling is because, as a vitcim of such pain, I can't help but immediately consider Clint's wife, while I read this. No one derseves to be betrayed like that. And since he expressed love for his wife and family, I know it wasn't because of a loveless marriage, He was thinking with his dick. So although it evokes anger in me, for lack of understanding inability to control such an impulse, it does spark intrigue. It is story tellers like you that have helped me to explore and define why I hold one love for one other so sacred. For that I thank you!
One question I have. When you talked about giving clint a time and place for the 'last romp', you forsaw the hurt it would bring you after, yes? You said to him, "Is talking about this your fantasy? I would prefer to go through with it instead of just talk about it." But you expressed such fear. Were you really ready to go through with it? Could you? And looking back now, having written the story, if you had gone through with it, what would you have hoped to gain/learn from it?
You're a talented, candid writer. Its's quite addicting! Thanks for spilling your guts to readers like me.
Thank you for taking the time to write again and thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. I'm so glad this blog can be a forum for people to be honest about dating, marriage, relationships and sex.
I try to be honest when I write and I tried to be honest with "Clint" during our most recent email exchange. I have written about him quite a bit over the years and it's true that he holds a certain power over me that isn't the case for other men.
If you haven't read "Batshit Crazy" then you may not understand how much "Clint" has been around during difficult times in my life. He told me once that I was the love of his life who got away. He's the only many who has ever told me that. I feel the same about him.
So, no. I didn't think about his wife except for the fact that she was in the way of what I wanted. I wish I could say differently. I wish I was a better person.
Could I have gone through with the sex? Yes, but I also knew he could not so it was really a non-issue from my perspective. He just wanted to hear that I would have sex with him.
I have very limited experience with infidelity. I have never been married and I have never been a cheater/cheatee in a loving relationship. As I mentioned in the first article--the only time I've had sex with a married man he lied to me to get in my pants. I have pretty strict standards about such things.
Like I told "Clint"--it's a slippery slope and it's trouble. I know of some couples who have grown closer after an affair but most people feel like you do--shattered. It's the idea that you could be so wrong about someone you thought you were so close to. I get that. It's a value system that's been stretched--according to statistics I've found, 50% of all married men cheat and women are not too far behind in their numbers--and I don't have any answers except to say that I don't believe women like me or the man who was with your wife are the problem.
5 comments:
You should be ashamed. Do you realize how close you came to fucking everything up? Cutting yourself open for an hour of fucking around? Were you even thinking about the fact that his current wife, when she found out, would become another innocent victim of having her heart ripped out, because of you having to fuck HER husband? You went from being strong against him, to dangling yourself like bait. And the only reason it didn't happen between you is because he's got a shred of human decency and appreciation for the life he's built. I hope that's a lesson in strength to you. I never thought I'd say this to a woman, but stop thinking with your clit, because a lot of pain is at stake...
How would Julie of fucked anything up? Yes, she would of ended up heartbroken, but that can happen with anyone. She didn't promise anyone anything. One night can be one night, if that what two adults want. As for the wife, things can't be all that great if he's seeking someone else out. There are always signs, the wife always knows. If she chooses to bury her head in the sand, how is Julie doing anything wrong? If someone wants to have sex with people, as opposed to a person, don't get married. Besides, if Julie was thinking with her clit, she would of sought him out. Why is the unmarried person always at fault? Stay strong Julie, sometimes one night can change it all.
I think one of the most difficult situations writers of this genre find themselves in when they open themselves up for discussions like the one above. I put myself in this situation, and I hope people find the exchange helpful. Of course, I feel a little bit misunderstood, so I hope this explanation adds to the dialogue.
The reason I shared this story between "Clint" and me is because I thought it was obvious that my actions made an affair with him impossible. I thought it was a good example of a lesson learned where women can better understand how to avoid the mistress trap.
My honesty about what the affair would entail was only a piece of it. Another very important part is where I don't allow the discussion to drag on--I tell him we need to move forward. I don't want to talk about it. In other words, I called his bluff. He has to do the deed or move on, and I know how he will respond.
There is no doubt in my mind that "Clint" wants the idea of an affair with me, he wants to be told I would have sex with him again, he needs his ego stroked. He never had any intention of going through with it.
Of course, there are men in the world who want the act--I suspect, however, that most of them are like "Clint." They feel a little trapped, they wonder about the "what ifs," and they want to test the waters to see if they still have what it takes. It's an issue of self-esteem and curiosity more than infidelity.
Thoughts?
Hello Julie,
I'm sorry if I came off as harsh. I've read you work and am quite hooked. For this particular piece above, I forgot for a moment what it means to you to be able to pour yourself out to others. I truly didn't mean to offend or villify you, and I apologize.
My life is fulfilled though my passions. One of which is monogamy. I live to seek that one person whom I can "conquer the world" with. Someone who will share things with me and only me, and who will hold sex and intimacy and passion for a life with eachother as sacred as I do.
I am a victim of an affair. If I had a choice between feeling what I felt when I caught her and taking bullets to the chest... I would have chosen the gun. Why me? What had I done to deserve such excrutiating pain?!?! I took pride in making her happy, and we were so happy (the sex was electrifying!). Then one day, she started pulling away from me, she wouldn't want sex, or to talk about her day, or go out with me on fun outings. Then I caught her talking to him in another room, about one of their recent sexcapades. I've never felt more worthless, unloved, lied to, inadequate...Everything I knew about how she felt about me was a lie. The worst was she had no explaination why. All I've learn is that a persons words aren't enough to trust.
The reason I'm babbling is because, as a vitcim of such pain, I can't help but immediately consider Clint's wife, while I read this. No one derseves to be betrayed like that. And since he expressed love for his wife and family, I know it wasn't because of a loveless marriage, He was thinking with his dick. So although it evokes anger in me, for lack of understanding inability to control such an impulse, it does spark intrigue. It is story tellers like you that have helped me to explore and define why I hold one love for one other so sacred. For that I thank you!
One question I have. When you talked about giving clint a time and place for the 'last romp', you forsaw the hurt it would bring you after, yes? You said to him, "Is talking about this your fantasy? I would prefer to go through with it instead of just talk about it." But you expressed such fear.
Were you really ready to go through with it? Could you? And looking back now, having written the story, if you had gone through with it, what would you have hoped to gain/learn from it?
You're a talented, candid writer. Its's quite addicting! Thanks for spilling your guts to readers like me.
Thank you for taking the time to write again and thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. I'm so glad this blog can be a forum for people to be honest about dating, marriage, relationships and sex.
I try to be honest when I write and I tried to be honest with "Clint" during our most recent email exchange. I have written about him quite a bit over the years and it's true that he holds a certain power over me that isn't the case for other men.
If you haven't read "Batshit Crazy" then you may not understand how much "Clint" has been around during difficult times in my life. He told me once that I was the love of his life who got away. He's the only many who has ever told me that. I feel the same about him.
So, no. I didn't think about his wife except for the fact that she was in the way of what I wanted. I wish I could say differently. I wish I was a better person.
Could I have gone through with the sex? Yes, but I also knew he could not so it was really a non-issue from my perspective. He just wanted to hear that I would have sex with him.
I have very limited experience with infidelity. I have never been married and I have never been a cheater/cheatee in a loving relationship. As I mentioned in the first article--the only time I've had sex with a married man he lied to me to get in my pants. I have pretty strict standards about such things.
Like I told "Clint"--it's a slippery slope and it's trouble. I know of some couples who have grown closer after an affair but most people feel like you do--shattered. It's the idea that you could be so wrong about someone you thought you were so close to. I get that. It's a value system that's been stretched--according to statistics I've found, 50% of all married men cheat and women are not too far behind in their numbers--and I don't have any answers except to say that I don't believe women like me or the man who was with your wife are the problem.
Unfortunately, I have no solution.
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