Married men don’t typically try and lure me into their bedrooms. If on a rare occasion a married guy does try to seduce me—I do a pretty good job of deflecting the situation until it fizzles out. Of course, I have been tricked into having sex with a married guy (sick bastard, I know), but if I’m going into the situation with my eyes wide open I have a firm policy—the answer is NO.
And just like every rule that has ever been written, recently I broke my NO policy, agreed to meet a former lover who is now married, and gained some pretty important wisdom in the whole process. For those of you whose skin is crawling right about now, just keep on reading—will ya?—nothing happened OR is going to happen OR could happen. The pull drawing me toward this man—and him to me—is now over.Here’s what I learned:
Lesson #1: Sending out an innocent “Hello” to a previous lover is not innocent. Out of the blue I received an email from Clint telling me that he now has a son and that he is happy to hear that I am writing. It was short, sweet, and included a picture of him with his little boy. I was knocked flat on my ass. This is the man who was the closest I ever came to really falling in love, our sex was charged like TNT, and here he was reaching out to me for no good reason. He had a reason alright—it was just that no good was going to come of it.
Lesson #2: My initial response was pretty perfunctory, but I did ask him if he had read any of my writing about him. I thought that having him read about the pain and suffering he put me through—and how I still deeply valued our time together despite all of that—might be a good way for him to understand the mixed emotions I was feeling: Could we ever have a meaningful relationship? Who the hell does he think he is? God, I'm horny! I cried a lot, too.
Lesson #3: At this point in our email exchange I was emotional and honest about the swirling feelings taking hold of my stomach AND head AND pussy. I told him how worried I was about him reading my blog and that I would “hesitantly” like to meet him for coffee. Why not? Here's an old lover I adored who also had an uncanny ability of turning my world upside down--what could be the harm in a little coffee? At this point in the conversation I’m thinking about easing back into having Clint in my life. Fantasies about a new chance together begin to take hold and . . . .
It is here that he mentions his wife for the first time: I need you to hear and understand some truths and realities. I have a wife, a son and two step-children. I love them all. I do not want to hurt, damage, end, or in any way harm what I have here with them. It is a reality I will not allow to be damaged. And the relationships I have with my kids are amazing. That is the single truth of who I am and where I am going that I need to have you think about and, if possible, offer a reply to.
Lesson #4: After sitting down, taking a deep breath, and trying to get a handle on what Clint just told me I decided to end it for good—no coffee, no face-to-face, no nothing:Yes, I would say that changes the direction I thought we were going. Clint, you know we're all about the sex. There's no getting around that fact and if we continue to interact--albeit innocently at first--that's where we would end up. And then you would be faced with that damage you want to avoid.
I know there are open relationships out there, but I also know that I choose to not be with married men even if they have a hallpass / in the lifestyle / etc. I am selfish that way. I like being number one.
So, I think coffee at this point is not in our best interest after all. I'm excited to hear that you're still doing (your job)--I'm sure you do well--and I'm even more thrilled to hear that you have a loving relationship with a family who loves you back. You deserve that. Having any kind of relationship with me would definitely put that in jeopardy.
Maybe we both just needed to hear that the other is okay and then we'll each get purged from our system. I don't know. I wrote that piece about you not being the man you "could be" only two months ago. That's after we hadn't spoken in how many years? There's something keeping us connected. Maybe we were better together than I give us credit for in my writing.
Based on where you are in your life, and where I am in mine, it's best that we say adieu. Raise those kids with love, stay sober, and know that the positives definitely outweigh the negatives when I look back on our time together.
How does he respond? . . . .Part II will be published next week.