Dare I say it? I’ve been having some trouble with the police recently. No, I’m not getting pulled over for public nudity / speeding while intoxicated / cooking meth in a two-liter jug in the backseat of my Nissan crossover. No. The cops I’m talking about are those fucking annoying self-appointed Craigslist cyber cops who willy-nilly delete the, albeit, quasi-legitimate advertisements I post on Craigslist on a regular basis trying to promote my totally legit business. Whew!What’s worse, I’ve turned into a bit of a cyber pig myself. I can’t help it. Being on Plenty of Fish for the last three years has turned me into a crazed lunatic when it comes to online dating. So, now instead of following a set of perfectly reasonable rules of etiquette that millions of other online daters follow on a regular basis—I’m now sticking a badge over my heart and self-deputizing myself into the Cyber Cop from Hell:
Citation 1: If you email me twice and I have not made any kind of response to you in any way, you will be blocked.
Citation 2: If you make any kind of disparaging remark to me (or my friends—we talk!) you will be blocked.
Citation 3: If you email me and then get all pissed off because it takes me a few days to email you back—feel free to block me . . . . Do you really think I give a shit?
Citation 4: Even if you are cute—if you don’t not respond to me in a manner that I find amusing / alluring / the least bit attractive, you will be deleted and potentially blocked.
Citation 5: If you get all wussy on me and don’t act like a man (i.e. take the lead, ask me out, make the next move, etc.) don’t expect me to come on after you. That’s your job. I will sit back and simply call you a pussy behind your back and delete your emails.
Citation 6: Learn how to fucking use Spellcheck. It doesn’t accept text language for a reason.
Citation 7: I once had a guy who told me he was glad that I posted new pictures because now he could see my wrinkles and wasn’t he all clever and shit . . . . I reported his ass to PoF (after blocking him).
Citation 8: Tell me your name in the very first email you send me. I refuse to ask. I simply refuse.
Citation 9: If you’re 5’ 6” or shorter I will not respond to you. Sorry. I don’t know very many other women who will either. If you lie about your height you may get a first date out of it, but you will not get a second. Again, sorry.
Citation 10: If we have not kissed passionately—do not invite me over to your house for a homemade meal. If I’m not kissing you I don’t want to be invited over. Period.
Citation 11: Stop telling me the most banal shit you can think up. Try being clever. Try being funny. Don’t tell me that you’ll make me laugh. Make me laugh.
Citation 12: (almost the reverse of Rule #11) Stop Laughing Out Loud to yourself. If you are funny—let ME laugh at your jokes. Stop giving yourself a fucking laugh track.
Citation 13: It’s not appropriate to ask me how my dating is going on an initial email or first date. It’s none of your fucking business. Besides, if I’m out with someone who cannot carry on a better conversation than that—clearly it’s not going particularly well.
Okay. I think I’ve blown my own brains out with all the whistle tooting I’ve done this evening. Seriously, though—is anyone else dealing with this bullshit on a regular basis?