Women Say the Damnedest Things: The Ultimate Online Dating Profile

by Julie Robinson

Steer Clear, Gentlemen. 
This "Fish" is Crazy

  I like to play fair. You might think that this lack o’ cheating has something to do with a moral compass or some other reasonably positive personality trait—but you would be wrong. That’s right I do it for selfish reasons.  Surprise! (Well, maybe if you’ve read anything I’ve ever written it wouldn’t be that big of a surprise.)   

So, in the tradition of fairness, below is a montage of what I found when I read women’s profiles on Plenty of Fish.  As you probably know, I dish on men a lot.  Well, apparently women deserve a similar beating.  Why am I familiar with these profiles written by women?  Because I like to check out the competition, silly.  I may play fair, but I’m not stupid.

Everything in the compiled example below comes directly from a handful of online profiles written and posted by women.  As I cut and pasted, I haven’t changed a single word, punctuation, or spelling—but (let’s be fair, here) I have taken this all out of context:

The Wrong Guy Blues

by Julie Robinson

  Will any of us really find happiness in a relationship?  What’s worse—the bad boy who makes you crazy or the good guy who can’t increase your heart rate?  If being alone is the answer then who will we have sex with?  Where do these topics of conversation come from? 

These questions came up the other night over cocktails and eventually led to hurt feelings and a general sense of discontent.  I don’t know if any amount of tequila would have been able to drown the buzz kill.  It was just one of those nights. 

And sometimes the blahs stick around much longer than a hangover ever does.  Negative thoughts continued to circle my brain and the next thing I know, I’m hashing out all sorts of cold prickly scenarios instead of the warm, fuzzy ones. . . .   

Why I Hit Delete! When You Emailed Me Last Week—Revisited

by Julie Robinson

  Back by popular demand—here are some tips for all you men out there who wonder, “Now, why on earth didn’t I hear back from HER?” when you send super-over-the-top-lame-ass emails to women over the Internet. Rather than just offer my well researched/reasoned/respected advice, I’ve decided on this go-around to use examples of actual emails I’ve received from men over the years.  Also, instead of cleaning them up a bit to make them easier to read—I’ve left them completely unfiltered. 

Write them and weep you poor bastards.  You will be alone for a long, long time if you keep this shit up. 

1.      The Wow Factor

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind receiving compliments from strangers.  When a woman I never met before told me she liked my new coat, I was rather pleased.  What I don’t care for—and neither do other women who have resorted to online dating—are those emails where the only thing going on is hearing that we are looking good:

wow very pretty im john how is julie?.................................................................................

I would love the opportunity to see those eyes and smile in person! Neat profile...

so why is a very beautiful lady like yourself still doing single?

Hmmm?  What can I possibly say to these kinds of emails?  Why thank you!  You too look amazing alone in your bathroom, with your iPhone, without your shirt on?

Loose Ends

by Julie Robinson

  1.      Santa Baby . . . . There are only two songs during the Christmas season I don’t mind hearing again and again—“Santa Baby” and “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”  The rest of the genre pretty much bites.  That chirpy little gimme, gimme song, however, got me thinking the other day: Why on earth am I not a gold digger?  I’m actually being serious here.  HELLO.  I have thousands of dollars in debt and a book that needs an extreme makeover before it can be published—why am I busy building a business to support myself instead of trolling for a Daddy Warbucks?  And then it hit me: I’m a Daddy’s Girl.  For some women that means falling in love with men who fill the void their father couldn’t.  For me it means I take after my father and actually enjoy working—feed off of it, in fact.  I know men need to be needed, but I prefer to need them for sex instead of their bankroll.

If I Had To Do the Last 24 Hours Over . . . .

by Julie Robinson

  Let’s face it: women have a tendency to overkill reflection.  We ponder the “what ifs” to such a degree we talk ourselves into believing all sorts of nonsense.  Only a woman would believe, for example, that the reason her man didn’t come home when he said he would was because he was in some horrible accident.  The real reason the cute online guy didn’t write you back?  Because he accidentally deleted that carefully constructed email you sent, so you had better send him another one—just in case.  No phone call?  Broken/dead/lost/stolen phone.  Pluh-eeeeese.   

While it’s true that I rarely feel guilty about anything (I’m not Catholic, after all) occasionally I will regret a few things that just happen to pop out of my mouth OR wish I had avoided doing something-or-other OR totally agonize over some stupid shit I could have experienced if only . . . .

Take these last 24 hours, for instance.  I had an absolutely wonderful, successful day and I’m still racking my brain over how much better it would have been had I done things just a wee bit differently.  Then I think about how much better my whole life would be if I didn’t repeat some of the same patterns that surface almost on a daily basis.  THEN I worry over all of the bullshit things I have absolutely no control over but kinda secretly believe I can affect.

Here is what I wish I had handled differently or avoided all together in the last day or so: