We decide to meet for drinks and snacks at Hamburger Mary’s because the beer is cheap, the patio is festive, and it’s always fun to chat up the trannies. It is our first girls’ night out together and seeing that the conversation quickly steers its way to penises, I feel right at home with my new friends.
Diana, a sexy brunette who has a great job and an even better sex life sets the tone by saying, “Thumbs down. Seriously. The damn thing tapered at the end.”
Seeing that in all of my years of extensive penis experience I had never seen one like that before I ask, “You mean it got narrower at the head?”“Yeah. You know when you sharpen a pencil?” Diana raises her eyebrows while I nod slowly. That’s unfortunate, now isn’t it?
She continues, “And when he climaxed? It was like a little series of hiccups.” She mimics a choking squirrel and I think to myself silently, I bet she didn’t plan on fucking a skinny-dicked chipmunk. What was she thinking?
I don’t even realize that Kelsey is listening when she pipes in, “The night we all met I went home with him. He disgusted me for other reasons . . . .”She continues, “And when he climaxed? It was like a little series of hiccups.” She mimics a choking squirrel and I think to myself silently, I bet she didn’t plan on fucking a skinny-dicked chipmunk. What was she thinking?
ME: Wait a minute! I know this guy? He was there the night we ran in to each other in the bathroom?
DIANA: (smirking) Yep. You know Walter. You just got ski passes with him!
ME: Shit! I wasn’t exactly planning on doing him on the slopes, but he is cute. . . .
DIANA: There is the issue of hygiene . . . .
KELSEY: And food . . .
Kelsey went on to explain that she couldn’t get over the fact that Walter pretty much lived on Chef Boyardee. She ended matter-of-factly: “Honestly, how could I fuck a guy who ate like that?”
DIANA: That’s what was all over his kitchen walls! It looked like a murder scene in there—and he told me: ‘but my maid comes on the first’—seriously? You can’t clean up after yourself and you’re 30?
ME: I’m really bummed right now. He was on my hook-up short list. I like the thirty-year-olds.
DIANA: Go for it, but I call him Smelly Blanket Boy.
ME: It gets worse?
DIANA: He invited me over to watch porn but he didn’t have any. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to go to some sleazy porn shop to get a movie for a one night stand. So, we’re watching Real Sex on HBO and I get cold, so he goes and gets me a blanket. It totally smelled like B.O. All I’m saying is this: bad penis, bad housekeeping, bad hygiene (she’s saying this while counting on her fingers)—that adds up to a big fat ZERO in my book.
I was still having trouble wrapping my mind around all of this. I’m out with these women for the first time. All three of us know Walter from the same night we all met. He’s 30 and we’re all in our 40’s. He thinks he’s a pretty lucky guy. He brings one home. He hooks up with another. And he has me all lined up in the wings . . . AND WE’RE ALL COMPLETELY DISGUSTED. Did he think older women would be more willing to overlook his disdain for soap?
Women talk, my young friend. We talk and we listen to each other. If you don’t have enough sense to realize that you’re fucking around in a very small circle, you should at least limit our ammunition. Do your laundry. Clean up after yourself. Buy some decent porn. And, progress to Wolfgang Puck.
We understand that there’s not much you can do about your penis.
6 comments:
Well done, girlfriend!! You ARE a good listener :)
However, I thought his climax noises sounded like Quagmire from Family Guy....giggita, giggita, GOO!
Oh Diana! Yes, I did use a little creative license there, didn't I? I think when you were telling your story I just pictured a small woodsy animal:)
Holy Shit! A group of 40yo women looking to quench hot flashes with penis juice. I will enjoy reading this blog.
Also to Diana, remember Tequila isn’t “Dick-be-gone” for your taste buds!
Get your decades right, Roger Dog, women in their 40s don't typically have hot flashes yet.
That said, there's nothing wrong with a little penis juice.
I had a brief run-in with "Walter" recently at a private party. The theme was Cirque De Kink and there were all sorts of people milling about with their duffle bags full of props. I'm not sure if he saw/recognized/ignored me--but it was definitely him. The stinky blanket was nowhere to be found.
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