I used to be the kind of woman who literally moaned during a Matthew McConaughey film. I guess I’m still that kind of woman, but I don’t make an effort to get to the movies much these days. It was during this time that 13 Conversations about One Thing came out in theaters. To be honest, I don’t remember the premise much, but this idea of repeating the same mistakes over and over again without really realizing it is something that occurs when midlife dating. This is especially true when it comes to women and their mouths.
This girl chatter develops because of excitement. We’re thrilled to have met someone new, someone who’s exciting, someone who seems to get us—and we ramble on and on about all of the things we’re excited about. Trust me, because this stream of I-can’t-believe-this-is-finally-happening-to-me comes from the heart (and, let’s admit it ladies—the pussy), mundane details like he doesn’t have a cat or that he appears to keep a spare toilet paper roll under the sink become REASONS why he’s just so damn perfect you can’t believe it!
I know better than to rattle off all of the reasons why a new man and I are ideal for one another—intellectually I can give you plenty of explanations for how these forms of verbal intimacy too early in a relationship actually push men away. I’m aware AND informed AND still nursing a serious case of diarrhea of the mouth.
And, just like you hate to admit it--but you know you contribute to slowing down traffic at a serious accident because of your rubber necking—you’re going to read the snippets of conversations below while cringing and saying to your partner, “She didn’t just say that now, did she? Henry, come read this . . . . No wonder she can’t keep a man. ”
ME: I’m so glad I met you. It was serendipitous, really.
NEW GUY: (after a brief pause): You’re definitely one of a kind.
* * *
ME: (totally fishing, but hey! I’m in bed naked with the guy, so why not?) So, when did you see me? Did you see me first? Did you see me in the Meetup happy hour?NEW GUY: Yeah, I saw you. I couldn’t get your attention.
ME: (blushing happily) Awww.
NEW GUY: Good thing I have a red, shiny bike.
ME: That is how I noticed you, isn’t it?
* * *
ME: I really like Vegas. Do you like Vegas? I really like Vegas.
NEW GUY: (taking less than a second to respond)—I . . .
ME: (cutting him off because I’m not really listening for a response anyway) Do you wanna go to Vegas?
* * *
ME: (squeezing my breasts playfully) I had a boyfriend once who wanted to fuck with these.NEW GUY: (clearly paying attention but not necessarily to what I’m saying) Hmmm. . . . You mean a boob job?
ME: Yeah. Can you imagine wanting to mess with perfection like this?
* * *
ME: I kinda wish I could go home, get what I need, and come back so I can stay here in your arms all night.NEW GUY: (after long pause that verges on being met with silence) Uh . . . .
ME: I think I’ll go home in a few minutes.
NEW GUY: (squeezing me tight and snuggling happily) Okay.
* * *
ME: I wrote about a guy I met on this bench a few weeks back.
NEW GUY: Oh really? You met him here in front of a porn store?
ME: Yep. That’s where I find all of the good ones.
* * *
ME: I like getting naked.
ME: Do you like getting naked?
ME: Wanna get naked?
ME: C’mon, let’s get naked!
* * *
ME: (addressing the proprietor of the porn shop) So, do you have a video arcade?PORN DUDE: Sure.
ME: Is it mostly stag films or straight?
PORN DUDE: About 50 / 50.
NEW GUY: (clearly confused) Huh?
ME: I gotta know this shit. I write about sex. Supposedly I’m an expert, remember?
* * *
ME: You know I’m going to write about you, right?NEW GUY: Huh?
ME: I write about dating, relationships and sex.
NEW GUY: Oh. I guess I didn’t know that. Where do I fit in?
ME: You're going to have sex with me.NEW GUY: Oh. I guess I didn’t know that. Where do I fit in?
* * *
ME: What I really like about us is . . . . blah, blah, blah, blather, on AND on AND on . . . .NEW GUY: This may seem really inappropriate, but I can’t wait for my race tomorrow.
ME: (a little surprised but going with it) What makes that inappropriate?
NEW GUY: I just know I should be present is all.
* * *
ME: I really like your penis. It kinda reminds me of when I had the pleasure of experiencing seven good penises in a row . . . .
NEW GUY: Did you really just say that?ME: No, but I thought itJ
4 comments:
Very Funny!
Thank you! Hopefully my goofy comments / statements / comments won't push him away too much.
LMFAO!! And thinking about all the times I went too far conversationally!
Damn! I almost did it again today--but I held my tongue--thank god!
It's really hard to just shut up when you wake up in someone's arms for the first time. I don't know what it is . . . . .
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