Liar, Liar Pants on Fire: The Art of Lying when Dating Online

by Julie Robinson

Online Dating Factoid #1:
ALL WOMEN believe
they look fun when
wearing a sombrero

After stumbling upon some very helpful advice from dating and relationships expert Evan Marc Katz, I decide to take a shot and write some introductory emails to men on Plenty of Fish whom I find attractive.  This all transpires because of recent failed attempts with men who apparently insta-deleted my emails after reading:

Hey!

You caught my eye for this reason.  You seem interesting for this reason (be sure to insert some witty, little interjection that somehow relates back to his profile).  Ask a question here.  I should appear interesting/fun/attractive/definitely worthy of a response from you for this reason.  Looking forward to hearing from you (obligatory smiley face)

Julie

Katz argues that attempts like these are not only generic but that they come across as desperate.  He reminds women that we also don’t appreciate emails from strangers telling us we’re pretty, or smart, or any other seemingly innocuous comment that comes from leftfield.  Of course, women don’t know what we want . . .  but men—Katz tells us—men want to be surprised.  He suggests we go about it with a big, fat lie.    

This advice is not what it seems on the surface.  We’re talking about introducing ourselves to strangers, remember?  These lies need to be bold, reckless, there-is-no-way-she-just-said-that LIES.  These mini truth-be-damned anecdotes are designed to demonstrate wit, charisma, and confidence by not being even remotely truthful.

The first step in this process is a whole lot of fun because I get to go through men’s profiles and find the most unique feature they’re willing to divulge about themselves.  I’m looking for quirky nuggets of gold where the men are being playful—on the verge of goofy—in their profile.  Take this one for instance:   

 . . . . About me: I'm a dedicated full time father, successful exec, gifted musician and athletic thrill seeker who wears his heart on his sleeve.

I'm looking to meet an engaging, bright woman who makes it a priority to take great care of herself (inside and out), appreciates life and enjoys spending time with an equally exceptional guy. If the sparks don't fly, making friends is cool too.

Still reading? You're interested. So hit me if you think I'd feel the same way - or by all means, next me for Prospective Soulmate #23 and wrestle those regrets.

Online Factoid #2: 
There IS such a thing as
too much cleavage 

The Old Julie would have rattled off something about being a healthy, life-appreciating person who likes kids and music.  Yawn.  The New Julie writes:

After chatting briefly with Prospective Soulmates #12 and #13, they encouraged me to just skip over to #22.  And here you are!  Funny how things like that just happen.

Julie

Silence.  Okay, no harm in trying.  I’m just beginning to flex my lying muscles anyway.  It’s no time to give up now.  I’m just revving my engines.  Hot Stranger #2 writes as his profile:

Well, I've always been a little sappy, but hey...It could always be worse....I could wet the bed...My 5th grade camp counselor didn't catch onto my youthful smoothness..but, it was good practice for my 6th grade camp counselor.... She didn't know what hit her...$7.00 perfume, some hand-picked flowers (most likely weeds) and a little note, fully expressing my undieing "like" for her.... :) I've always been a bit hyper, but not in the "I'm in need of medication way", but more in the "I love life so much that I can't get enough way"...Although, during rainy nights, you'll find me either sitting by an open door, with candles of course, or in the water...There's something fun about being in the water while it rains... Everyone that has and will ever know me, will most likely say that I'm a giver and would do anything for a person in need, even a stranger...

How can I resist?  I type and revise until I get:

There’s something about those camp counselors—they get me every time.  I once spent hours wrapping one of those one-pound Hershey’s kisses in tissue paper with a bow and just about died watching him take it out of his locker.  We never kissed, but now we’re friends on Facebook.

Julie  

Online Factoid #3: 
There's no getting around
the obligatory BODY SHOT  

Okay, maybe his lack of response isn’t soooo surprising.  Besides, that wasn’t exactly a lie seeing that I did send a 7^th grade crush a really big Hershey’s kiss one time.  That and my crush and I are friends on Facebook.

The funny thing about this exercise is that even though I am getting a fair amount of rejection, at least I am having more fun with the whole midlife online dating hamster wheel.  Weeee!  

The fun becomes infectious and I get an actual response from a man whose profile reads:

What am I wanting to accomplish? Find a secure, balanced, emotionally secure woman that is truly comfortable in this chapter of our lives. You are witty, adventurous and a great compliment to one another.

I guess to put it simply, do you remember that one special person, you got giddy and flush talking to them on the phone or just couldn't wait for date night! That is the beautiful woman I'm looking for!!

About me.
Educated, well traveled, daring and adventurous. Socialized and cultured (won't leave the seat up), dry sense of humor with a sardonic twist! Comfortable in cowboy boots, flip flops or black tie. I believe chivalry is not forgotten, flowers for no reason and long walks to nowhere are kinda cool! Yes I'm a bit of a romantic, I can still change your oil, and make you feel safe in any situation. If you love to laugh, giggle uncontrollably, and just enjoy the moment, maybe we can start the next chapter in this wonderful book of life!

Much, much more, enough for now though! I have to be a little mysterious ;)

My introductory email of . . . .

I was just saying to my friends the other day how nice it would be to get giddy drunk on life with a new man.  The cowboy boots peeking out from underneath my car are the icing on the cake. 

Julie  

 . . . gets me through the door and we go on a mildly amusing first date. 

When I send an initial email with the subject line:  BRASS TACKS NOT TACKY BREASTS saying, “I tried using: ‘they’re real, and they’re spectacular’ last night at a party, but I got pegged as one of the obnoxious people.  Where were you when I needed you?” I thought I’d at least get something from the guy who writes in his profile:

I'm so tempted to write a long sarcastic rip on how everybody says the same thing about travel and being just as comfortable jumping around in a mud puddle as they are in a five-star restaurant etc. etc. etc......but I won't. Let's get down to brass tacks. . . . I like women that are sharp-witted with real breasts. The fake ones sure can look and feel good but sooner or later the keyword 'fake' rises above everything else and ruins the party. And yes I understand that there are circumstances where augmentation is necessary. Miss January does not have augmented breasts, she has fake boobs. I'm the guy at the party who is fairly quiet at first while I let the obnoxious people weed themselves out by trying to make a statement too early. By the end of the party, if you've been talking to me you will have laughed very hard and probably gotten into a respectful debate about something. You definitely won't have had to listen to 100 years worth of sports trivia. . . .

It’s better he never responded to me.  We really need a sports expert for our bar trivia team. 

I tweak Katz’s rules a bit but try to stay true to the witty, charismatic, confident piece of his advice while inserting some truth when I contact Andrew who puts himself out there with:  

 . . . . Still have a little kid left in me though.... Just enough! So What do you think? You want to play with me? even if you dont and you swam by say hi!

THANK YOU FOR PLAYING IN MY POND!

Hanging out with friends... Love playing any type of sports so I love to stay active... No time for t.v. but enjoy the late night movie from time to time... No drama in my life and want to keep things simple...

Andrew:

Kicked TV out of my life years ago—got out just in time before reality TV took hold.  I guess that means I’ll never truly get jokes about getting kicked off of islands.  Oh well—happy to be in the minority on that one.  You?

Julie

Ahhh!  Short, sweet, real, and spectacular.  Date Number 2 with Andrew this week!  I think I’m finally getting the hang of it.