by Julie Robinson
“Whatever. He hasn’t texted or called in three days—I’m pretty much rid of him.”
“Uh-huh,” I play along, but I know better. “Right.”
Men and women stalk strangers,
athletes, and ex-lovers according to
their own unique personality
Of course, Shannon and I were lovingly referring to her stalker. This man, someone who you would think is old enough to know it’s a pretty good idea to leave someone alone after she has ignored over forty attempted contacts, was definitely starting to get the hint. Unfortunately for Shannon, that didn’t necessarily mean he was gone for good.
“Let me tell you a thing or two about stalking,” I add helpfully while sipping my wine and noshing on some bruschetta. “When they are distracted and fine in their life they pretty much leave you alone. It’s when they are feeling alone and desperate that they talk themselves into believing that it’s a good idea to show up on your doorstep.”
“How do you know so much about stalking, anyway?” Shannon knows the answer but wants to make me say it.
“It takes one to know one.”
Men and women stalk strangers, athletes, and ex-lovers according to their own unique personality, but there are some commonalities:
1. Stalkers stay focused on their prey—you may think they are out of the picture if you haven’t heard from them in a while, but in reality they are just re-grouping.
2. Stalkers get fueled by response—even if all you do is say, “Get the fuck out of my life, you stalker!” you are essentially giving a stalker exactly what he/she wants.
3. Stalkers have a plan—sometimes detailed, sometimes haphazard, and sometimes completely schizophrenic—it still makes sense to the stalker.
4. Stalkers are desperate—who else would slash your tires so you couldn’t leave to go meet another lover? (*see below)
Take my jersey chasing stalking plan, for instance. I am a huge Rockies fan, so it makes sense that I would want to stalk (so that I can fuck) a Rockies player. Because I listen to over 100 games a year, I know the players’ family situation and approximate age. Also, because I’m the type of stalker who actually wants to live out my fantasy instead of keeping it merely a fantasy, I incorporate some practical aspects into my decision making—this means I’m not going to chase after the hottest star, I’m not interested in being with a married guy, and I don’t want a player whose mother is my age. This, of course, leaves me with basically one option—Jason Giambi.
Giambi is in his late thirties, hangs out at Earls Downtown, and is known for being a “player” as well as a baseball player. He got busted for steroids a while back and has played for close to half of the teams in the Major Leagues. While he’s a well-known big bat who gets cheered by fans every time he comes up to pinch hit, he is not the biggest star on the team. He also does not appear to be particularly discerning when it comes to which groupie he leaves with on any given night.
The Rockies home opener is tomorrow, so I’m now poised to take my approach to a new level. Here’s what (to me, anyway) seems like a good idea:
1. Stalkers stay focused on their prey—I will get up early every morning, steal a newspaper, read the sports page, and pay attention to different ways I could oh-so-casually start conversations with Jason Giambi. I need a better opener other than, “Too bad about the ‘roids—you probably would have made the Hall of Fame without that black mark on your record.”
2. Stalkers get fueled by response—I will go to the Rockies Homepage once a week and email Jason Giambi wishing the team well for their next batch of away games or offer suggestions as if I was Jim Tracy, the manager.
3. Stalkers have a plan—did ya’ see my thoughts on numbers one and two?
4. Stalkers are desperate—yeah, we’ve already established that.
I’m excited for my newly-focused stalk and cannot wait to see what this hulky player has in store for me. Go Rockies!
*This particular stalking tale was enacted by a frien-emy of mine in graduate school. Gotta love her.