Talking Yourself into Sleeping with Him on the First Date (and Why You Should Listen)

by Julie Robinson

I found myself naked and in bed with Andrew a mere four hours after meeting him.  Our date began as I joined him for lunch on a rooftop terrace six blocks from my house.  The first thing I noticed was that I was about three inches taller than him in my super-cute high heels, but he was so handsome it didn’t matter in the slightest.  We discussed the fact that I had an outdoor pool and Jacuzzi, “Wouldn’t it be fun to spend this beautiful day hanging out by the pool?”  We flirted a little bit as he bought a swimsuit, and we flirted boldly once we got into the water. 

Kissing Andrew was divine.  His charm, good looks, and vivid stories about traveling all over the world had me hooked.  Was it his charisma that led me to have sex with him so quickly?  Was it my desire to rip off his clothes?  Was it because he was so generous and bought my lunch and dinner that day?  The voices in my head were loud and clear—sleep with Andrew—but should I listen? How would I know if I’m making a good decision? 

I really enjoyed my romantic interlude with Andrew, but seeing that the affair turned out to be a brief one, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was sleeping with a guy on the first date ever a good idea?

The experts on dating answer this question with a resounding, “No!”  I could not find a single dating coach who recommended shacking up early in a relationship.  They offer research, statistics, anecdotal evidence, and all sorts of support to back up their “just say no” advice.  They tell horror stories about women falling out of good graces with men they like because of this fatal error. They use good old fashioned scare tactics.  My question is this, if the decision is not yours to make, why is there a little voice inside your head telling you to get into all sorts of mischief?  Who are you going to listen to?

Maybe you found each other online or through a friend.  Or possibly you met previously, but are now one-on-one for the first time. You may also be on a blind date or just happened upon each other at a bookstore when suddenly your day blossomed into coffee, dinner, and now this—the man you are on a first date with wants you to go to bed with him.   And he doesn’t necessarily come right out and say it, either.  It’s apparent in his demeanor, his kisses, and the way he leans into you as you tell that silly story about your Aunt Lois. 

You are in a position where you have to make a decision and clearly communicate that decision to this new man.  It’s time to pay attention to the voices in your head. Your inner psyche may be urging you to go for it—or it may be telling you to put on the brakes.  In either case, it’s important to recognize what is actually being said in addition to why it is being said.  Take a time-out, freshen up in the bathroom, and listen. 

Are you considering sleeping with this man because he’s the most charming guy you’ve ever met, because you lust after him, or because you sincerely believe he’s your soul mate?  Or are your inner voices speaking out of fear, habit, manipulation, or guilt?  Recognizing the primary motivating factor leading you into his arms helps you decide if you really want to be the girl going home with him tonight.

Below are some voices that may go through your head from time to time and what they are REALLY saying . . .

“I want to rip his clothes off right here and now. . .” On the surface lusting after a new guy may not seem like such a big deal.  We are human beings, after all, and so it’s natural to be interested in having sex.  It’s a myth that only men want to have sex.  Women like having sex too—the trick here is to make that sex as good as possible.  If all you really want from this man is a romp in the hay, consider holding off a date or two so the chemistry builds and the longing for sex improves your experience together.  The benefits that come from the additional flirting, talking, and kissing will make it well worth the wait.   

“I’ve never felt this way with someone before . . .” Aaaaah. That ever-elusive chemistry can be a rare occurrence for those of us out there in the dating world. Having an instant bond with someone can be very exciting and lead a woman to believe that having sex right away may not be such a bad idea after all.  Difficulties arise, however, because men and women bond differently when it comes to sex.  Biologically, women bond through intimate contact—this can be especially true when the hormone oxytocin gets released through orgasm.  Men are more likely to bond through feelings of respect.  So, while you may hold the idea that this one-night-stand could lead to more with this new guy—having sex with him right away may lead to the opposite effect. 

“He is so charismatic!  I got completely taken in by his charm . . .” Charming men can be delightful to be around.  They know all of the right things to say, how to behave, and they seem to know just what to do to turn you on.  Many of these men are players, and while you may believe you are the first (or only) woman to bring this out in your new man, chances are he has been coached at being completely irresistible—and has a lot of practice at it.  Being charmed into having first date sex can leave you feeling hurt and vulnerable if his attention quickly moves away from you and on to someone else.  Knowing who you are dealing with may take more time than a first date—real gentlemen are willing to wait for women with whom they are truly smitten.  

“I know I never want to see him again, so why not . . .?”  Chelsea Handler quips, “Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we probably don’t want to see them again either.”  Some men lack so much potential as mates that they are more likely to get laid sooner.  Seem backward? Think about it.  If a savvy woman really likes a guy, she will hold out longer because she knows that men like a chase.  If the good men are more likely to choose women they value, then the valuable women are going to make them wait.  Sleeping with men you don’t like is using them, however, and (over time) will amount to a lot of lovers you think of as losers.  Then who loses?

“I sleep with all the other guys I meet, why not this one . . .?”  Some habits are better than others.  Flossing, getting your oil changed, and calling your grandmother are the kinds of things that should be done on a regular basis.  Sex with strangers does not fall into this category.  In addition to concerns over STDs and rape, women who habitually have sex with men on the first date may have some deeply rooted motivating factors.  Are you missing something vital in your life?  Are you lonely?  Are you bored?  Are you addicted to sex?  Regular recreational sex can work for some people, but for many women it adds to their emotional baggage.  Healthy sex should leave its participants feeling connected and alive—if the opposite is the case, doing more of it isn’t going to improve things.

“I can’t believe a guy like that wants to sleep with me . . .” Choosing to bed a virtual stranger simply because his face belongs (or is) plastered on billboards is not always a bad idea.  The key to this situation is if you have the confidence to believe you belong right up there with him.  If you sleep with a guy you believe is out of your league, chances are that he will agree and not come around again in the future.  Are you simply adding a notch to your lipstick case and don’t care if you ever see him again in person?   Get pictures.

“He’s spending so much money on me, I feel like I should just go ahead . . .” Enjoy that three pound lobster, did you?  Great!  You are worth every penny of it.  When men ask women out on dates they do so because they want to spoil you.   The men know you deserve every luxury—do you?  Please do not feel guilty because you are enjoying yourself on his dime.  Your body is not something designed for barter and every classy guy out there knows it.  If he treats you to an expensive meal or outing, that’s because he wants to treat you special.  Appreciate the gesture with attention and (if you want) affection.  Passionate kissing, holding hands, and listening attentively are really what he hopes you will offer.

“I’ve had so much to drink I’m not really sure what’s going on . . .” Heightened sensuality is one of the effects of alcohol.  Waking up in someone’s arm and wanting to chew your own arm off rather than wake the guy up is one of the effects to too much alcohol.  If you are spinning out of control because you’ve had too much to drink—chances are you should get the hell out of there and take a cab home.  Do not worry about telling your date in advance.  Follow the lead of one of Hollywood’s leading single ladies—Holly Golightly—and jimmy your way through a bathroom window if that’s the only way you are going to get out of there.  The kinds of men you want to see again do not load their first dates full of intoxicating substances.  If he allowed (or encouraged) you to have one too many, he does not deserve your company this evening or ever again, for that matter.  The good ones don’t let drunkenness happen on their clock, and if it does occur purely accidentally, they make sure you get that safe cab ride home—alone.

“If I sleep with him, I’ll end up being his girlfriend . . .” And we’ll go to the middle school dance together, and . . . . Seriously, grow up.  Women and men have no-strings-attached sex all of the time.  Day dreaming about all of the future you will have after he gets a taste of you is . . . decidedly unbecoming.  Thinking you have Angelou's purported "diamonds between your legs" goes a long way for women in terms of confidence—it takes a back seat when you move into manipulation.  Going into a sexual relationship with an agenda reeks—and men smell it a mile away. 

“If I say, ‘No’ he will never want to see me again. . .”  Really?  You have just gone on a fantastic, amazing, super-sexy first date and you don’t think you will ever see him again?  Is this because you believe the best thing you have to offer him right now is your body and the rest doesn’t really hold up too well?  C’mon, you don’t really believe that, do you?  What’s really going down is that you know you’re amazing, but you worry that this guy will get the wrong idea if you say, “No,” right?  Saying that you don’t want to have sex on the first date is perfectly fine in every situation.  All really cool guys know that.  They know you’re feeling it, they know you want to—so tell them that—then explain that you would like to go home to your dog.  Now! If you don’t wait until your panties are hanging from the chandelier, you should be okay. You do not need to come up with a playful explanation or anything like that.  All you have to say is, “Not tonight.”  Truly, the more simple you make it—the better.  

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Over the years I’ve become less of a fan of first date sex.  I still do it, but more and more, I do it with reservations.  What has led me to being a lot better at understanding why I spread my legs for some guys and why I tell others to go home?  It really comes down being a good listener. I’ve learned to listen to my instincts.  Sometimes my instincts tell me to jump right in.  However, even when I’m being given the green light, I don’t always go for it.  I don’t want to sleep with a guy out of desperation, weakness, or because I have an agenda. I certainly don’t want to get hurt because I rushed right in.  Listening to what my gut is saying has been a helpful first step when faced with a sex / no sex decision.  I’m finding what’s even more valuable, however, is the second step—the part where I’m paying attention to the motivation behind the voices and learning if I’m leading myself astray.