Why I Hit Delete! When You Emailed Me Last Week: Online Dating Tips for Clueless Guys

by Julie Robinson

I realize that you never heard from me after sending a friendly little email my way on a popular website you pay good money for so you can date women. 

_____________________________

  ". . . the reasons you think they get

purged from our Inboxes have
nothing to do with it." 

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I also realize that you are not entirely sure why this is the case.  Did I get your email?  Did I read it?  Maybe I’m really busy?  Have I already found a new boyfriend?  No, no, no, and—uh—no.  

There are probably a thousand reasons why emails from really good guys go unanswered by women on today’s online dating sites, but the reasons you think they get purged from our Inboxes have nothing to do with it.  Chances are you sent an initial bad email as your greeting.  Open up some of the doozies you’ve sent off to the women you are not meeting and see if they fit the bill.

1.     The “One Word” email

Men who make the extreme effort and write, “Hey,” “Nice,” or “Wow” to me as a mode of introduction are screaming one thing to me—LAZY! (Okay, maybe desperate comes to mind a bit, too.)  Presumably you have taken the time to search and find me among a whole slew of beautiful women—now take some time (two sentences minimum) and tell me why you would like to get to know me better.


2.     Mad-lib email

My friend Sarah received an email once where a man included a love poem he (presumably) wrote to her even though they had never met.  Due to the freakish nature of this introduction, she took a peek at his profile.  And what did she find there?  That same stupid poem.  Even without the poem, cutting sections directly from your profile and pasting them into emails to women is always a bad idea.   Similar in scope to the “one word” problem, emails that are so vague that they could be written to anyone—and are probably cut and pasted hundreds of times—amount to dating spam.  How does it feel to wake up each morning and clean your email free of spam?  That’s right—you hate it.  Now make a pledge never to do it again. 


3.     Long, boring email

An initial email to a woman you don’t know should include some basics including who you are, why you would like to meet her, one question /comment you came up with based on her profile, and how you would like to proceed.  That is it.  Squelch the urge to tell me all of the reasons I am the only person on the planet who will complete you.  Stop with the incessant banter about your most recent Ironman competition.  And, please, do not succumb to the urge and ask me fifteen thousand questions about why I am still single.  Think about it this way, if you play your cards right initially you will get many chances for all of that—later.     


4.     Short, boring email

While it is true that shorter is better than longer when it comes to an initial greeting, it is also the case that you should not sound like every single guy out there.  You need to set yourself apart from the crowd.  This is especially true if you are an engineer.  So, keep your email short and sweet—but give it some jazz.  Seeing we both love music, think of some ways to bring this up other than saying, “I noticed we both love music.”  Think of your email the same way writers think—show me don’t tell me.  So, instead of saying, “I play the guitar,” show me your musical talents by telling a brief story about the last time you got out there and jammed.  Oh yeah, and invite me to sing along sometime.


5.     Overly-familiar email

I had a man one time send me a brief, well-written note and ruined it by signing off with “XOXO Tickles!” Now, why did he have to go and do a stupid thing like that?  Avoid calling women you don’t know “Babe,” “Gorgeous,” “Sexy,” or “Sweetheart.”   Opening an email from a man you don’t know and seeing “Hello, Doll” is kind of like meeting a blind date who goes right in with an open mouth kiss.  Gentlemen, let me remind you: The sentiment may be met differently under better circumstances.  Be patient


6.     Egregious errors in email

If you take the time to find a select group of women you wish to contact, spend energy including a brief question and/or comment based on her profile, and avoid tendencies to be overly effusive or intimate—then why the hell don’t you run your email through spellcheck?  At the very least, proofread your work and try to avoid spelling mistakes.  A comma splice here and there won’t put me off (even though I have a Ph.D. in English), but you should be able to differentiate between most homophones.  Also, don’t forget to sign your name.  There’s nothing worse than having to ask a man what his name is after he made initial contact.   

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Let’s assume you’ve taken my ever-so-helpful advice and you’re still striking out with the ladies.  That’s not entirely unheard of if you have not paid attention to ways women are putting themselves out there, too.  When you come across a woman you find attractive do you read her profile to see if you are a good fit for her?  This dating thing goes both ways, ya’ know.  Try approaching women in your age bracket with similar interests and body type—you may be shocked as your dating success skyrockets.  That, and take off that damn ball cap.